A friend helped me understand that the quality that propels my success in the workforce is also the thing that causes me the greatest pain: my passion.
I'm grateful for this insight on many levels. First, it has brought a bit of sanity to the depth of my angst when things are decided against the direction I want to go. Second, it's given me language to help others understand that though I may be portraying it's the end of the world, or completely devastated, it's really a momentary pain that I'll get over and we'll all move forward. I've dubbed it "passion pain." Lastly, having recognized this trait in myself it is freeing and actually allows me to actually move through it more quickly, or throttle it back so it's not so severe. It's an area of growth for me and one I am excited about.
I had an incident this week that took me to a place of passion pain, though as I stated above it was not as deep as these disappointments have been previously, because I recognize what is driving it. But I did have another epiphany from it. I am a mustang at heart.
It is one of those things that others don't struggle with, but I know for me the recognition and yet questions all at the same time of the way "God made me" is tough. On one hand, I'm thankful that I was given such amazing passion, horsepower, and strength. It allows me to buck the system, jump over hurdles, and run fast in the work I have to before me. On the other hand, it is not always appreciated by others I work with. Like any mustang amongst thorough breads, the mustang can be looked at the one who spooks the other horses, an unpredictable, powerful force that is awesome and terrifying all at once. It is an identity for me that is both exciting and hard to own.
This epiphany is interesting for me to ponder in many ways. It explains why at times I feel bridled, corralled, and stifled. It also makes me recognize the awe and yet trepidation others feel about me on their team. I feel at times out of place, constricted, misunderstood. And at others times I love that I'm different, free, and able to set the pace. I recognize that God gave me these gifts and has allowed me to develop these passions for the work He has called me to do. Yet I know I do not see fully why He created me this way, or how He intends to use me fully.
While the passion pain that triggered this epiphany has passed, the imprint on the landscape of my life is unmistakable and long lasting. Like a bolt of lightening hitting a rock, it's mark indelible and changing it forever, I have too been changed as a result of this illumination and have much to think about in terms of the mark it left on me.
I'm curious if you ever struggle with why God made you a certain way? Do you have a strength that is a source of great angst as well? I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on this or am I alone?
